homeless

i feel zombiefied again. tossing and turning. waking up at 3+am. somehow i dont think it is the heavy lunch and dinner. Nah it is not the stomach ... it is the head and the heart. Was reading a gal's post and she states how she is on the brink of insanity with uni workload. how there is minimal guidance and a phenomenal reading list. having mixed feelings about all the time and effort she has put in. she finds it exhausting. i feel exactly like that. EXACTLY. on my walk back from my part-time work on wed. i was so exhausted whilst walking through the tall shrubs that a thought flashed across my mind - that if a tiger was to jump out of the shrub now and attempt to consume me, i wouldnt even resist. i'll just let it eat me. i feel like death has come upon my heart. i just lost my will to fight for survival. i feel like succumbing to the pressure pushing me down. it is so much easier sometimes just to not resist. so much easier to not fight. ive lost sight of someone impt in my life. Flipping my personal diary makes me then realize how much he's actually helped me fulfill what i have written down as goals. Reading all the past entries and thinking about all that has happened whilst i have arrived in Perth since last year - i am amazed as i ticked off my to accomplish list. did all these get done?? how ever?? Reading my past entries made my confused mind and heart fit back into the puzzle again. Something clicked and fell back into place. And then there was peace as i made myself a warm drink. as i sit here to type. as i begin to notice his neglected presence again. as i start to understand how he made me ME. how he has been so protective. how even when i refuse to listen. he still trudged along with me. how he speaks to me in that voice. how he makes me know what's for me and what's not. in a few years time if i continue to go on like this, i will die here. i will be eaten alive. i cannot be by myself. i am actually not that independent. i am not that nonchalant. i am not that rock-hard cold. all a facade. all a mask. to hide the fear. to hide the uncertainties. a pretense. as he lays all that i have bottled up for 8 months. i am reminded i am made to need to be surrounded by love. why i can never say 'im going HOME' but i always say 'im going BACK' as i return to the place i stay. where is home? where would be a good place for my heart and soul to rest and bloom? where can i unpack permanently? i cant wait to find out. he be my strength.